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huzzah. my last entry (or one of them if I write later) of 2003. this blog's one year anniversary is only a couple months away O_o

merrr this is tough
my heart hurts
and stuff

^haha I made a rhyme

i'm going to annis's house. we'll watch movies with people. and eat cheese popercorn :D
we might go see fireworks at that one skiing hill thing. I know it'll make me sad. because I'll remember so much watching fireworks with Brent. I'll most likely cry.
but hey that's ok.
it'll be a new year!
now that I've lost my main reader, I don't get what the point is in updating. but hey I know there's a couple people out there. right?

I have a pink ribbon tied in my hair. it's pretty and cute but it rubs against and irritates my scalp x)

-_-

hmm
it's weird O_o
*le happy content at peace with self sigh*

it's still tough

but I can almost feel it getting better

"shattered"...what does this mean?

my stomach hurts. my heart hurts. how the hell could I have done this to him. I want to call him up so bad right now, but I must, must resist the urge. right?

god I feel like shit

.::Here's To The Night::.
(Eve 6)
So denied so I lied are you the now or never kind
In a day and a day love I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had are you cool with just tonight
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

God. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I cannot stop crying. and I haven't even begun to start the crying.
),:
I'm gonna go to bed. and cry some more.

It hurts so bad.

Let's go dancing. it'll relieve my mind. it'll be fun and wild and free and wonderful if I don't do something stupid. like eating the strawberry shortcake ice cream design off of the ceiling when the ice cream may contain traces of paint. or punching someone's boobs repeatedly. or biting an elbow and having them try to swing me off like a dog and have the elbow bleed.

my finger's bleeding ]=
we're going to IHOP
:D

shut up you big fat blubbering bitch why the fuck are you crying




god, why?

you just watch
watch me go down like a crashing rocket ship, burning along the way
and I'll take my pieces and rebuild myself

*dances*

You just watch!

._.

...
my head is cloudy ]:

.::A Gentle Hand::.
(Me)
it lies there teeming on the floor
the complicated life she wants no more
a gentle voice tells her
stop

it lies there bloody on the floor
the torn up heart she wants no more
she wants to slice it
to ribbon like pieces
a gentle hand takes away
the knife

it lies there shattered on the floor
the devoted love she feels no more
a gentle voice tells her
stop

it lies there broken on the floor
the endless hope she has no more
a gentle voice tells her
stop

it lies there wilting on the floor
the materialistic envy she wants no more
a gentle hand takes it
away

she lies there dying on the floor
screaming, crying, happy no more
a gentle hand pulls her back
to life
================================

no matter how sick or sad or morbid I want them to sound the poems always seem to come out with a hopeful thing at the end...cool

first rehearsal was today, pretty fun it was.
I dunno what I'm gonna do this weekend...got 4 different things at least lined up...
how boring a day it was O.O

(Seem)
blink once, twice
withering under scarlet nights
look left, right
savoring a crimson delight

step once, twice
a dance of fatality in gentle nights
flutter left, right
a glorious secret in the moonlight

cheat once, twice
saccharine blood never felt so right
dance left, right
i'll kiss your lips beneath satin starlight

touch me once, twice
falsehood is my paradise
push me left, right
you fill me with risqué delight

spoil me once, twice
let me dance on the edge of the knife
sway me left, right
mourning in the candlelight
=========================================

gah. I'm feeling numb and confused and at war with myself, and I don't want to think, I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever and ever. I don't want to think about this up comming week and what I'm going to do over the weekend, and I don't want to think about christmas and about what how and who I'm gonna get presents for my loved ones and how my mom lost her job the other day yet we go out and spend spend spend more money money money and how it's all just crappy.
why is cragun not im-ing me back?
why do relationships have to be so complicated?
why don't I hardly ever do things with friends?
why do I feel not wanted?
why do I give and give and listen and listen and feel like I'm not getting much in return, yet feel like I'm not giving much in return to those who give and give and listen and listen to me?
why am I so afraid of being raped by any random guy that just walks around the corner or passes me on the street? yet I joke about it? yet I try not to?
why is it hard to stop swearing when most of my friends do often, or better yet, why is it even part of our culture, to swear a lot and such.
why am I afraid to make new friends, yet I know that I probably should?
I could probably think of a dozen more whys but I'll keep them inside for now just for the sake of space and time.

-_-

it's time for ze color changes
(:

I think it says it all

.::Surfacing::.
(Slipknot)
Running out of ways to run
I can't see, I can't be
Over and over and under my skin
All this attention is doing me in!

Fuck it all! Fuck this world!
Fuck everything that you stand for!
Don't belong! Don't exist!
Don't give a shit!
Don't ever judge me!

Picking through the parts exposed
Taking shape, taking shag
Over and over and under my skin
All this momentum is doing me in!

Fuck it all! Fuck this world!
Fuck everything that you stand for!
Don't belong! Don't exist!
Don't give a shit!
Don't ever judge me!

You got all my love, livin' in your own hate
Drippin' hole man, hard step, no fate
Show you nuthin', but I ain't holdin' back
Every damn word I say is a sneak attack
When I get my hands on you
Ain't a fuck thing you can do
Get this cuz you're never gonna get me
I am the very disease you pretend to be

I am the push that makes you move
=================================

I've been sleeping and napping more often lately. it's like a temporary escape from reality, and a better alternative than death. I don't have to think or feel or anything, just sleep and sleep and let the hours of life go by sleeping. it's really a nice thing. I wish I didn't have the desire to escape from reality in the first place, but hey, what're ya gonna do. plans with Brent got screwed over this weekend, and plans with friends got screwed over. not that I usually make plans with friends...but yea. screw it.

Sehnsucht is a really really good cd. It's one of the very few cds that I don't mind listening to all the way from songs one to twelve, cos I like em all. usually I just get a cd and have 1 or 2 or maybe 3 songs at most I actually like, but on this one I like em all. Best Rammstein cdI've heard so far [:

tried out for Walkin Home today, I think it went better than it usually does, I really hope I get a part or get to be a part of it.

my poor dear Brent, sick with the flu like virus...get well soon my love <3

why the fuck did I have to get in the middle!!!!
never again!
I hope.
I hope I haven't lost a good friend. even if it wasn't that good of a friendship. it still hurts to lose a friend.
specially if it's because you got in the middle of his relationship with one of your best friends!
GRRR.

sigh...just, sigh.

it feels like something's died inside of me. I don't know how long it's been dead, or what it is, or if it even really is dead, but I think it is. sometimes you might catch a glimpse of it, and sometimes those glimpses may be stronger than others, but for the most part it's dead. I think. I wish it would come completly back. maybe it was happiness, or some self confidence, ...